I have this thing I call my “blackness”. It’s the best term I can find to describe it. It’s a sort of sadness, mixed with frustration, anger, and resentment. I would even say hate, sometimes. It’s also a sort of depression. Absolutely no creative drive and no will to do anything. It’s a type of thing that gets you nailed to your bed, not wanting to get up and do what you need to do, not wanting to have a drink of water when you’re thirsty. It’s a kind of thing that chains you to your thoughts, and builds a wall that obscures the outside world, so you just spin around and around in your mind, thinking, living again through past episodes of life, imagining new ones.
I have my blackness under firm control. Each time I feel it trying to resurface, I know that I’ve loosened up some of the ropes that hold it down: it might be that I’m not meditating enough, it might be a question of perspective (like, becoming too focused on some things in such a way you forget how truly unimportant they are on a cosmic scale) or it might be that my surroundings influence me – for example, certain people that have the amazing gift to make me feel bad – make me feel bad.
In any case, I do what I need to do in order to stop it from devouring my soul. Sometimes it just means taking a break, lying down and doing absolutely nothing until I become drowsy, fall asleep and wake up replenished and not blackened.
I manage it. In order to become overhuman, one must first become human.
It took me a long time to understand that a lot of times, my emotional states were just a reflection of the chemicals running through my veins. High serotonin, low dopamine, that type of stuff. My knowledge of human biochemistry is practically nil, but I do know that what we perceive as emotions is measurable by the amount of secretion of certain chemicals, such as serotonin, dopamine and endomorphin.
It’s nothing but a bunch of chemicals.
With that being said, one must understand that our emotional states are caused by these very chemicals, and that there are certain situations where it’s only and just them.
I know that not all people can relate to this, but I figure some can. You know those situations when you’re just sad or angry, or frustrated, and even being completely and utterly honest with yourself about the reason of that emotional state you still cannot find the source of it?
If you’re like me, you try to figure out why the hell you don’t feel good. You speak with a person that cares about you, and trying to speak about the problems you have, you see that, from a distanced rational perspective, your problems are no true problems at all. Yet you still feel bad.
I believe it’s called cognitive-emotional dissonance. Even though you rationally KNOW that your problems aren’t so problematic at all, you still feel bad and it won’t stop.
Well, enough with searching deeply within the psyche to find the grand source of the issue! There may or may not be a childhood trauma behind all those bad emotions you’ve been experiencing, but the fact is that even childhood trauma is only a simple chemical conditioning you never became aware of. CHEMICAL CONDITIONING. That’s that thing junkies do with heroin.
So, even though it may be the hardest thing in the universe, when you’re feeling bad, and you’ve removed all the factors that make you feel bad, you’ve seen your problems, and rationally, logically, they are so little that they shouldn’t even be problems, distance yourself. It’s hard to think about yourself in such a way. It’s hard to see your emotions as not having some grand issue behind them. It’s hard to reduce them to something so worldly and non-spiritual as chemistry. But we who seek control and unclouded thought must do this. And it can be done. So yes, distance yourself.
Distance yourself and recognize that the source of your misfortune might well lie in a complex chemistry equation.
And then, rise.